Are you looking at my boobs?

Woman at coffeeshop: “Uh, excuse me, are you looking at my boobs?”  

I replied, “No, well, yes, and they’re very nice, but I noticed the book you’re reading is made out of paper.  What decade do you live in?”

- Post sponsored by Amazon Kindle.

Why I drink Coffee in the Morning.

I drink coffee in the morning because otherwise I can’t poop.

Women During PMS

Earth Girls Are Easy

Earth girls are easy.

You may be thinking to yourself “Mmhmm, I’ve been trying for years.  They’re not easy.”  Well, you’re wrong, and allow me to explain. 

First off, you want date rape drugs…I mean no!  Wait, I got off on a bad start.  Here’s what you must do:

1. Be an asshole.  Hot girls can’t stand rejection, so if you’re an asshole to them, and act as if they are just a slab of shit that just plopped out of your gaping colon ready to be flushed, they will take notice in you.  Remember, you’re in control here.  Don’t beat around the bush, literally, just stick it in.  Although they have the vagina, the very thing you want to plunge face into like it’s a bowl of butterscotch pudding, you must show them that you’re not intimidated of them, or you’re screwed, metaphorically.  Never, and I do repeat, never let a girl know that you want them, because they will be pompous about it and go around teasing the less fortunate.
2. Be hot.
3. Try not to talk about sex all the time.  Don’t impress her with your sexual knowledge.  DON’T let her know that you masturbate to videos of girls screwing farm animals.  Let her think that you’re in the dark about some things so that she can teach you.  Don’t lie to her about your sexual past - admit that you’ve had sex with two different girls on the same night, but act as if you have a bad case of amnesia and you don’t remember what really took place during that event.  
4. Don’t be afraid of rejection.  If you’re rejected by a girl, don’t cry about it and whine like a weasel-faced bitch, and whatever you do, don’t tell any other girls about it.  Immediately call her friends and try to sleep with them instead.
5. Retire your morals.  If you start to care, you’re no longer a man.  Men don’t have feelings.
6. Be her friend first.  Take her out or pick her up for a fun night out doing something silly.  You have to remember that you don’t care about anything except what YOU want.  Don’t be too obvious about it, but don’t be too friendly either.  The ‘friend zone’ is a very difficult place to get yourself out of once it sucks you in.  You know what ‘Friend Zone’ means in German?  It means you don’t get any pussy.  Remember Hitler?  Yeah, serious case of friend zone there.
7. Have a sense of humor.  If you’re an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time, you know what girls are going to think?  “He’s an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time…and ISN’T going to get laid any time soon.” It’s not good to be ‘too’ funny though because when the girl yanks your pants down , she won’t be shy to ask “Is everything a joke to you?”
8. The final and most important step.  Know when to forget about all of the other steps and let your instincts take over.  Men have had sex with women since the dawn of humanity.  You can, too.

Remember when your parents used to tell you about spiders and snakes?  About how no matter how scared you are of them, they are just as or more scared of you?  The same concept goes with sex.  No matter how much you want to have sex with them, they want you just as much or even more.

Tangible Ego

The more attention you give to my ego, the larger it gets.  My penis is a physical representation of my ego.

All 50 States

Some asshole pissed me off, so I told a story about him.

Man Vs Dildo

Let’s talk about dildos.  A dildo is a fake penis made to fit specific needs.  It is artificial intelligence programmed to be good enough to assume a penis’ position in bed.  It is a robot designed for the sole purpose of being better than a normal penis.

There are many types of dildos made out of many different materials.  I’ve seen dildos made out of rubber, dildos made out of plastic, metal, seamless crystal.  I’ve seen people turn the penis into works of art by construction enormous dildos like ice sculptures, penis shirts, penis suckers and cookie cutters, and even little penis slippers.

There’ve been dildos shaped into bunnies, dildos curved into spheres, and even dildos with fake balls attached to them, like that’s useful.  I’ve seen dildos that have straps on them, so a female could fuck another female, very cool idea.  I’ve seen ones that are attached to a horse’s saddle and a woman can simply sit and enjoy.

I’ve used…I mean, seen dildos that vibrate.  There are ones that curve to hit the G-spot.  They come in sizes from Elephant Cock to the Japanese, and are even ribbed, for her pleasure.

But we’re not here to learn about dildos, we’re here to answer the question, “Are dildos a threat to our sex life?”  Is the vibro-tipped, mint-flavored, strawberry-scented, auto-lubing, mechanical-pumping, glow-in-the-dark, radio-playing, remote-controlled, pleasure-sensing, fold-out lawnchair, porn-playing music Mega Rabbit Ultra 3000 Super Dildo that releases artificial sperm that tastes like peanut butter and chocolate better than the average man meat?  Are we, the penis bearers, an obsolete hardware?

There are a few processes we must venture through before learning the answer to that question.  At first, I said to myself, “there’s no way they’ll ever imitate the thrust motion of the real life wang.”  That is, until I saw a video with machine dildos mindlessly fucking a pair of lesbians.  At least they haven’t made them heated yet, I thought, only to turn around to ones you can plug into the wall and charge up, like an electric shaver.

It was going too far.  Dildo technology was advancing too fast.  Pretty soon, they’d invent one that talks dirty in bed.  I had to put a stop to it.  I had to be the victor of my multi-talented penis archrival.

One night, I was ready for that fake-fucking son of a bitch.  No, I didn’t throw it away.  I was ready to out-fuck it.  I came home from work a bit early that evening and set up and extravagant candle lit dinner.  The meal was take-out from her favorite Chinese restaurant.

Throughout the meal, I spoke only of romance, and I inherited a French accent for the remainder of the dinner.  I read her poetry and told her how stunned she leaves me every time I see her, how my heart skips a beat each morning as I wake to her radiating beauty.  Of course, I wasn’t feeling very romantic at the time, I just wanted to out-do her little bedroom friend.

Things got a little personal when we began kissing and went to the bed.  After baring it all to each other, I began foreplay.

This had to work!  The dildo had no power to foreplay!

So I kissed her all over, and ran my hands up and down her naked body, teasing her nipples, making her tickle in some areas, and very, very wet in others.  I slowly went around her vagina before I finally went face first into the clit.  She squirmed in ecstasy.  The noises she made was enough to let me know I was doing something right.

Can the dildo do that?!  I thought.

And that was when my heart was crushed.

“Oh Jimmy,” she gasped, “will you use the vibrator on me?”

I was pissed.  I wanted to take that dildo and shove it up her ass! Which I did later on.  So there I sat, like a MORON as she enjoyed the vibrator.  Of course, I still licked on her and made her feel good, but that goddamn dildo still stood in my way.

“I want you inside me,” she moaned.

I worked quickly and put myself inside her.  It wasn’t that difficult with the amount of fluid she was emanating down there.  I told her she would have to hold the vibrator herself while I did her.  Slowly getting into the rhythm, I became more and more angry at the mechanical monster until suddenly I snapped.

Ramming her with lighting speed and thundering power, I let out a roar of exertion.  The dildo would not win!  I could hear her screaming in orgasm.  I looked down and noticed something spectacular.  She had put the vibrator down besides her.  I just kept going.

“Jimmy,” she said between breaths, “oh god, you’re so good.  I love it when you fuck me.  I wouldn’t trade you for any of these toys.”

There it was.  I finally understood it.  The fake penis wasn’t against me all this time; it was helping me when I didn’t want to give it my all.  I wasn’t competing with it; I was simply letting it make my job a little easier, a little less stressful on the back.  It was a pinch penis.

I wanted to hug and kiss the dildo, but didn’t because that’s fucking disgusting, because I finally understood.

“Oh my god,” she screamed.  “Again!”

A cunning smile came to my face as I gave her all I had that night, ready to take an earned vacation after that.

Dildos and other sex devices are very welcome in the bedside scene, because any real woman knows that women don’t choose toys over the real thing.

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When I think about the number of rapes in the world today, I hold a rather optimistic view, simply because of the placement of the vagina on the human female. Out of site, out of mind. I mean, just imagine if women had a vagina on their hands, or a pair on their shoulders, or on their face. Constantly viewable. Much more accessible. There would be a higher rape rate, for sure.

I’d rape me a cunt face every time I walked by.

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"I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight."

"Biggest pet peeve: when you’re bending over wiping your ass and your penis dips in the toilet water. It’s so disgusting! It really ruins the moment later when I’m curled up in a ball blowing myself."