"I fail to see the need to have an emotional connection to a woman in order to have sex with her."

The woman I’ve always loved

I went to Vegas last weekend.  That’s not the beginning of the story; I’m just letting you know where we’re going to end up.

I met her in the sixth grade.  She and I went to a small community school where I didn’t fit in very well.  It was a country town, and I was a city boy.  Nothing much interested me except sex and computers and cookies, and the activities the other kids did were mostly football and blowing shit up.  Not my cup of tea.

Anyway, she and I had science together, or math.  Who gives a fuck?  She had glasses, a great smile, and boobs.  They were sixth grade girl boobs, but I had a sixth grade boy penis.  It’s not like she was getting a great deal out of it.

We flirted.  It was the silly kind of flirting that consisted of poking each other and giggling like fucking retards.  But she never put out.  Sixth graders are so prude.

I hated the country so I moved to the city.  Ten years passed.

So I’m sitting in a computer class in college when she walks in and sits down next to me.  After the ‘oh my god, it has been so long’ talk, we resumed flirting.  This time, it mostly consisted of making fun of each other and giggling like fucking retards.  But she never put out.  I hated myself this time for not having large enough balls to seal the deal.  Fuck. Everything.

I hated that city, so I moved to San Francisco.  Ten years passed.

I get a random Facebook message from her saying she’ll be in Vegas the same time I will be.  Ten years had gone by since the last time I talked to her so I had no idea who the hell this girl was.  After a few messages back and forth, I remembered all the great things about her.  The glasses, the smile, the cute country tang in her accent.  

Anyway, we met in Vegas and fucked in a bathroom.  (Hi reddit)

International Woman’s Day

As some of you may know, yesterday was International Woman’s Day.  It’s a special day of the year where you give thanks and respect for the women in your life for all the amazing things they do for you.  It’s not so celebrated in the United States as it is in places like Europe or South America.  There, it’s as big as Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day.

But I digress.  This post is dedicated to the wonderful creature that is woman.  Without vaginas, they would be nothing.  Cheers!

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After Sex, Unspoken Tests

After the first time we have sex, if you do not mention getting food soon, I will not speak to you again.

After the first time we have sex, if you ask if I played you, I will not speak to you again (The answer is yes if you ask it.  If you don’t ask it, then no, I didn’t).

After the first time we have sex, if you become emotional because I don’t want to cuddle at that moment, I will never speak to you again.  

After the first time we have sex, if you do not at least smile at my deliberate tension-slicing funny line I say, I will never speak to you again.  However, if you retort with a line that is even better than my line, I will become playful and want to have sex with you even more.

After the first time we have sex, if I feel a strange vibe from you, I will ask you what is wrong once.  If your answer involves abundant emotions or pregnancy, I will never speak to you again.  If your answer contains the phrase, “I thought you and I, y’know, were special,” I will never speak to you again.  If I have to ask you more than once, I will never speak to you again.

Socially Unacceptable

If we’ve had a one night stand, you are not allowed to add me on LinkedIn.  It is completely off-limits.  

Facebook is debatable.  If I believe that you’re somewhat of a decent person, and you make me believe that you won’t be pursuing more than the one night of fun, I might consider letting you be a part of my friend list - under the right privacy settings, of course.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter.  I will not follow you back.

I will file you under the Circle ‘People I’ve had sex with’ on Google Plus for proper record keeping.