A friend of mine told me that he aims for the back of the toilet bowl when he pees.  He said that aiming for the back minimizes both splash and audibility, perfect for when he’s peeing at night or when he’s in a quiet bathroom and doesn’t want to disrupt the peace with the sound of urine gushing into water at rest.

I don’t do that.  I aim straight for the water every time.  There might be Buddhist monks meditating in the stall next to me, and I would still aim for the water.  I might even flex my lower abdomen to squeeze my bladder in a vain attempt to make the pee come out harder.  And when the flow is reduced to a trickle, I would take a step forward and ensure that every last squirt and drop sound their mark on the toilet water below.  If I had been holding it for a long time, I would let out a rough moan of peegasm.  I might even do it if I hadn’t been holding it for a long time.  Hell, I’m breathing hard just thinking about it.

And it’s not because I want to disrupt the flow of things, Heaven’s to Betsy.

And it’s not because I want to be an asshole to my bathroom neighbors.

It’s because I don’t feel guilty when I’m forced to do unnatural things.  Think about it.  You’re in a room holding your dick with potentially 4 or 5 other guys holding their dicks.  You’re aiming your pee at a bowl of water in a desperate attempt to keep this room of defecation sanitary.  You’re doing your best to remember the man’s bathroom etiquette: use a urinal as a buffer between you and the other guy, keep your eyes on the tiled wall in front of you as you piss, zip up before you leave the urinal, etc etc.

To me, this is the silliest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.  I mean, fuck, I’m trying to take a piss.  Forgive me for not bringing my dinner table manners.  I’ll be damned if I’m in there to impress anyone, or to think about making their personal urination experience more enjoyable by not making as much noise.  Jesus fucking Christ, anyone who puts forth effort to try to hide the fact that they piss is a vagina in my book.

Anyway, we’re not friends anymore.