Views From an Asshole

Are you looking at my boobs?

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 18:33:36 -0400

Woman at coffeeshop: “Uh, excuse me, are you looking at my boobs?”

I replied, “No, well, yes, and they’re very nice, but I noticed the book you’re reading is made out of paper. What decade do you live in?”

- Post sponsored by Amazon Kindle.

Why I drink Coffee in the Morning.

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 15:15:47 -0400

I drink coffee in the morning because otherwise I can’t poop.

Women During PMS

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 20:24:35 -0400

Earth Girls Are Easy

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 17:36:43 -0400

Earth girls are easy.

You may be thinking to yourself “Mmhmm, I’ve been trying for years. They’re not easy.” Well, you’re wrong, and allow me to explain.

First off, you want date rape drugs…I mean no! Wait, I got off on a bad start. Here’s what you must do:

Be an asshole. Hot girls can’t stand rejection, so if you’re an asshole to them, and act as if they are just a slab of shit that just plopped out of your gaping colon ready to be flushed, they will take notice in you. Remember, you’re in control here. Don’t beat around the bush, literally, just stick it in. Although they have the vagina, the very thing you want to plunge face into like it’s a bowl of butterscotch pudding, you must show them that you’re not intimidated of them, or you’re screwed, metaphorically. Never, and I do repeat, never let a girl know that you want them, because they will be pompous about it and go around teasing the less fortunate.
Be hot.
Try not to talk about sex all the time. Don’t impress her with your sexual knowledge. DON’T let her know that you masturbate to videos of girls screwing farm animals. Let her think that you’re in the dark about some things so that she can teach you. Don’t lie to her about your sexual past - admit that you’ve had sex with two different girls on the same night, but act as if you have a bad case of amnesia and you don’t remember what really took place during that event.
Don’t be afraid of rejection. If you’re rejected by a girl, don’t cry about it and whine like a weasel-faced bitch, and whatever you do, don’t tell any other girls about it. Immediately call her friends and try to sleep with them instead.
Retire your morals. If you start to care, you’re no longer a man. Men don’t have feelings.
Be her friend first. Take her out or pick her up for a fun night out doing something silly. You have to remember that you don’t care about anything except what YOU want. Don’t be too obvious about it, but don’t be too friendly either. The ‘friend zone’ is a very difficult place to get yourself out of once it sucks you in. You know what ‘Friend Zone’ means in German? It means you don’t get any pussy. Remember Hitler? Yeah, serious case of friend zone there.
Have a sense of humor. If you’re an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time, you know what girls are going to think? “He’s an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time…and ISN’T going to get laid any time soon.” It’s not good to be ‘too’ funny though because when the girl yanks your pants down , she won’t be shy to ask “Is everything a joke to you?”
The final and most important step. Know when to forget about all of the other steps and let your instincts take over. Men have had sex with women since the dawn of humanity. You can, too.

Remember when your parents used to tell you about spiders and snakes? About how no matter how scared you are of them, they are just as or more scared of you? The same concept goes with sex. No matter how much you want to have sex with them, they want you just as much or even more.

Tangible Ego

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 08:57:00 -0400

The more attention you give to my ego, the larger it gets. My penis is a physical representation of my ego.

All 50 States

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 22:07:20 -0400

Some asshole pissed me off, so I told a story about him.

Man Vs Dildo

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 16:33:36 -0400

Let’s talk about dildos. A dildo is a fake penis made to fit specific needs. It is artificial intelligence programmed to be good enough to assume a penis’ position in bed. It is a robot designed for the sole purpose of being better than a normal penis.

There are many types of dildos made out of many different materials. I’ve seen dildos made out of rubber, dildos made out of plastic, metal, seamless crystal. I’ve seen people turn the penis into works of art by construction enormous dildos like ice sculptures, penis shirts, penis suckers and cookie cutters, and even little penis slippers.

There’ve been dildos shaped into bunnies, dildos curved into spheres, and even dildos with fake balls attached to them, like that’s useful. I’ve seen dildos that have straps on them, so a female could fuck another female, very cool idea. I’ve seen ones that are attached to a horse’s saddle and a woman can simply sit and enjoy.

I’ve used…I mean, seen dildos that vibrate. There are ones that curve to hit the G-spot. They come in sizes from Elephant Cock to the Japanese, and are even ribbed, for her pleasure.

But we’re not here to learn about dildos, we’re here to answer the question, “Are dildos a threat to our sex life?” Is the vibro-tipped, mint-flavored, strawberry-scented, auto-lubing, mechanical-pumping, glow-in-the-dark, radio-playing, remote-controlled, pleasure-sensing, fold-out lawnchair, porn-playing music Mega Rabbit Ultra 3000 Super Dildo that releases artificial sperm that tastes like peanut butter and chocolate better than the average man meat? Are we, the penis bearers, an obsolete hardware?

There are a few processes we must venture through before learning the answer to that question. At first, I said to myself, “there’s no way they’ll ever imitate the thrust motion of the real life wang.” That is, until I saw a video with machine dildos mindlessly fucking a pair of lesbians. At least they haven’t made them heated yet, I thought, only to turn around to ones you can plug into the wall and charge up, like an electric shaver.

It was going too far. Dildo technology was advancing too fast. Pretty soon, they’d invent one that talks dirty in bed. I had to put a stop to it. I had to be the victor of my multi-talented penis archrival.

One night, I was ready for that fake-fucking son of a bitch. No, I didn’t throw it away. I was ready to out-fuck it. I came home from work a bit early that evening and set up and extravagant candle lit dinner. The meal was take-out from her favorite Chinese restaurant.

Throughout the meal, I spoke only of romance, and I inherited a French accent for the remainder of the dinner. I read her poetry and told her how stunned she leaves me every time I see her, how my heart skips a beat each morning as I wake to her radiating beauty. Of course, I wasn’t feeling very romantic at the time, I just wanted to out-do her little bedroom friend.

Things got a little personal when we began kissing and went to the bed. After baring it all to each other, I began foreplay.

This had to work! The dildo had no power to foreplay!

So I kissed her all over, and ran my hands up and down her naked body, teasing her nipples, making her tickle in some areas, and very, very wet in others. I slowly went around her vagina before I finally went face first into the clit. She squirmed in ecstasy. The noises she made was enough to let me know I was doing something right.

Can the dildo do that?! I thought.

And that was when my heart was crushed.

“Oh Jimmy,” she gasped, “will you use the vibrator on me?”

I was pissed. I wanted to take that dildo and shove it up her ass! Which I did later on. So there I sat, like a MORON as she enjoyed the vibrator. Of course, I still licked on her and made her feel good, but that goddamn dildo still stood in my way.

“I want you inside me,” she moaned.

I worked quickly and put myself inside her. It wasn’t that difficult with the amount of fluid she was emanating down there. I told her she would have to hold the vibrator herself while I did her. Slowly getting into the rhythm, I became more and more angry at the mechanical monster until suddenly I snapped.

Ramming her with lighting speed and thundering power, I let out a roar of exertion. The dildo would not win! I could hear her screaming in orgasm. I looked down and noticed something spectacular. She had put the vibrator down besides her. I just kept going.

“Jimmy,” she said between breaths, “oh god, you’re so good. I love it when you fuck me. I wouldn’t trade you for any of these toys.”

There it was. I finally understood it. The fake penis wasn’t against me all this time; it was helping me when I didn’t want to give it my all. I wasn’t competing with it; I was simply letting it make my job a little easier, a little less stressful on the back. It was a pinch penis.

I wanted to hug and kiss the dildo, but didn’t because that’s fucking disgusting, because I finally understood.

“Oh my god,” she screamed. “Again!”

A cunning smile came to my face as I gave her all I had that night, ready to take an earned vacation after that.

Dildos and other sex devices are very welcome in the bedside scene, because any real woman knows that women don’t choose toys over the real thing.

"When I think about the number of rapes in the world today, I hold a rather optimistic view, simply..."

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 13:55:36 -0400

“

When I think about the number of rapes in the world today, I hold a rather optimistic view, simply because of the placement of the vagina on the human female. Out of site, out of mind. I mean, just imagine if women had a vagina on their hands, or a pair on their shoulders, or on their face. Constantly viewable. Much more accessible. There would be a higher rape rate, for sure.

I’d rape me a cunt face every time I walked by.

”

"I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight."

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 12:32:00 -0400

“I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight.”

"Biggest pet peeve: when you’re bending over wiping your ass and your penis dips in the toilet..."

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 14:14:49 -0400

“Biggest pet peeve: when you’re bending over wiping your ass and your penis dips in the toilet water. It’s so disgusting! It really ruins the moment later when I’m curled up in a ball blowing myself.”

"I fail to see the need to have an emotional connection to a woman in order to have sex with her."

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 01:47:06 -0400

“I fail to see the need to have an emotional connection to a woman in order to have sex with her.”

The woman I've always loved

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 15:49:00 -0400

I went to Vegas last weekend. That’s not the beginning of the story; I’m just letting you know where we’re going to end up.

I met her in the sixth grade. She and I went to a small community school where I didn’t fit in very well. It was a country town, and I was a city boy. Nothing much interested me except sex and computers and cookies, and the activities the other kids did were mostly football and blowing shit up. Not my cup of tea.

Anyway, she and I had science together, or math. Who gives a fuck? She had glasses, a great smile, and boobs. They were sixth grade girl boobs, but I had a sixth grade boy penis. It’s not like she was getting a great deal out of it.

We flirted. It was the silly kind of flirting that consisted of poking each other and giggling like fucking retards. But she never put out. Sixth graders are so prude.

I hated the country so I moved to the city. Ten years passed.

So I’m sitting in a computer class in college when she walks in and sits down next to me. After the ‘oh my god, it has been so long’ talk, we resumed flirting. This time, it mostly consisted of making fun of each other and giggling like fucking retards. But she never put out. I hated myself this time for not having large enough balls to seal the deal. Fuck. Everything.

I hated that city, so I moved to San Francisco. Ten years passed.

I get a random Facebook message from her saying she’ll be in Vegas the same time I will be. Ten years had gone by since the last time I talked to her so I had no idea who the hell this girl was. After a few messages back and forth, I remembered all the great things about her. The glasses, the smile, the cute country tang in her accent.

Anyway, we met in Vegas and fucked in a bathroom. (Hi reddit)

International Woman's Day

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 22:15:53 -0400

As some of you may know, yesterday was International Woman’s Day. It’s a special day of the year where you give thanks and respect for the women in your life for all the amazing things they do for you. It’s not so celebrated in the United States as it is in places like Europe or South America. There, it’s as big as Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day.

But I digress. This post is dedicated to the wonderful creature that is woman. Without vaginas, they would be nothing. Cheers!

And one of them is because I’m getting a blow job.

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 22:58:13 -0400

And one of them is because I’m getting a blow job.

After Sex, Unspoken Tests

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 01:49:00 -0400

After the first time we have sex, if you do not mention getting food soon, I will not speak to you again.

After the first time we have sex, if you ask if I played you, I will not speak to you again (The answer is yes if you ask it. If you don’t ask it, then no, I didn’t).

After the first time we have sex, if you become emotional because I don’t want to cuddle at that moment, I will never speak to you again.

After the first time we have sex, if you do not at least smile at my deliberate tension-slicing funny line I say, I will never speak to you again. However, if you retort with a line that is even better than my line, I will become playful and want to have sex with you even more.

After the first time we have sex, if I feel a strange vibe from you, I will ask you what is wrong once. If your answer involves abundant emotions or pregnancy, I will never speak to you again. If your answer contains the phrase, “I thought you and I, y’know, were special,” I will never speak to you again. If I have to ask you more than once, I will never speak to you again.

A friend of mine told me that he aims for the back of the toilet...

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 17:17:00 -0400

A friend of mine told me that he aims for the back of the toilet bowl when he pees. He said that aiming for the back minimizes both splash and audibility, perfect for when he’s peeing at night or when he’s in a quiet bathroom and doesn’t want to disrupt the peace with the sound of urine gushing into water at rest.

I don’t do that. I aim straight for the water every time. There might be Buddhist monks meditating in the stall next to me, and I would still aim for the water. I might even flex my lower abdomen to squeeze my bladder in a vain attempt to make the pee come out harder. And when the flow is reduced to a trickle, I would take a step forward and ensure that every last squirt and drop sound their mark on the toilet water below. If I had been holding it for a long time, I would let out a rough moan of peegasm. I might even do it if I hadn’t been holding it for a long time. Hell, I’m breathing hard just thinking about it.

And it’s not because I want to disrupt the flow of things, Heaven’s to Betsy.

And it’s not because I want to be an asshole to my bathroom neighbors.

It’s because I don’t feel guilty when I’m forced to do unnatural things. Think about it. You’re in a room holding your dick with potentially 4 or 5 other guys holding their dicks. You’re aiming your pee at a bowl of water in a desperate attempt to keep this room of defecation sanitary. You’re doing your best to remember the man’s bathroom etiquette: use a urinal as a buffer between you and the other guy, keep your eyes on the tiled wall in front of you as you piss, zip up before you leave the urinal, etc etc.

To me, this is the silliest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I mean, fuck, I’m trying to take a piss. Forgive me for not bringing my dinner table manners. I’ll be damned if I’m in there to impress anyone, or to think about making their personal urination experience more enjoyable by not making as much noise. Jesus fucking Christ, anyone who puts forth effort to try to hide the fact that they piss is a vagina in my book.

Anyway, we’re not friends anymore.

Socially Unacceptable

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 16:09:33 -0400

If we’ve had a one night stand, you are not allowed to add me on LinkedIn. It is completely off-limits.

Facebook is debatable. If I believe that you’re somewhat of a decent person, and you make me believe that you won’t be pursuing more than the one night of fun, I might consider letting you be a part of my friend list - under the right privacy settings, of course.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter. I will not follow you back.

I will file you under the Circle ‘People I’ve had sex with’ on Google Plus for proper record keeping.