Earth Girls Are Easy

Earth girls are easy.

You may be thinking to yourself “Mmhmm, I’ve been trying for years.  They’re not easy.”  Well, you’re wrong, and allow me to explain. 

First off, you want date rape drugs…I mean no!  Wait, I got off on a bad start.  Here’s what you must do:

1. Be an asshole.  Hot girls can’t stand rejection, so if you’re an asshole to them, and act as if they are just a slab of shit that just plopped out of your gaping colon ready to be flushed, they will take notice in you.  Remember, you’re in control here.  Don’t beat around the bush, literally, just stick it in.  Although they have the vagina, the very thing you want to plunge face into like it’s a bowl of butterscotch pudding, you must show them that you’re not intimidated of them, or you’re screwed, metaphorically.  Never, and I do repeat, never let a girl know that you want them, because they will be pompous about it and go around teasing the less fortunate.
2. Be hot.
3. Try not to talk about sex all the time.  Don’t impress her with your sexual knowledge.  DON’T let her know that you masturbate to videos of girls screwing farm animals.  Let her think that you’re in the dark about some things so that she can teach you.  Don’t lie to her about your sexual past - admit that you’ve had sex with two different girls on the same night, but act as if you have a bad case of amnesia and you don’t remember what really took place during that event.  
4. Don’t be afraid of rejection.  If you’re rejected by a girl, don’t cry about it and whine like a weasel-faced bitch, and whatever you do, don’t tell any other girls about it.  Immediately call her friends and try to sleep with them instead.
5. Retire your morals.  If you start to care, you’re no longer a man.  Men don’t have feelings.
6. Be her friend first.  Take her out or pick her up for a fun night out doing something silly.  You have to remember that you don’t care about anything except what YOU want.  Don’t be too obvious about it, but don’t be too friendly either.  The ‘friend zone’ is a very difficult place to get yourself out of once it sucks you in.  You know what ‘Friend Zone’ means in German?  It means you don’t get any pussy.  Remember Hitler?  Yeah, serious case of friend zone there.
7. Have a sense of humor.  If you’re an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time, you know what girls are going to think?  “He’s an uptight loser who hasn’t been laid in a long time…and ISN’T going to get laid any time soon.” It’s not good to be ‘too’ funny though because when the girl yanks your pants down , she won’t be shy to ask “Is everything a joke to you?”
8. The final and most important step.  Know when to forget about all of the other steps and let your instincts take over.  Men have had sex with women since the dawn of humanity.  You can, too.

Remember when your parents used to tell you about spiders and snakes?  About how no matter how scared you are of them, they are just as or more scared of you?  The same concept goes with sex.  No matter how much you want to have sex with them, they want you just as much or even more.